Horror Scopes August 2017

Mr Meaner

Aries: You might find it necessary to give yourself a bit of self-healing but other people want your attention, looking for advice and help through their own sob story. Wait until the room is quiet than drop a good beany fart. That will clear the room and dissuade future visitors. #winning
Taurus: There are important lessons about balance that are apt to present themselves to you today. Make sure that you are ready to handle the fire because it is coming at you fast and furiously. Purchase a Kevlar vest in blue, it will go with everything and learn to duck behind things.
Gemini: You might decide to take a short trip with your family. They’d enjoy going somewhere new. You’re sure they’ve never been to that field on the outskirts of town, across the tracks… Dream of abandoning them and then decide to stay home.
Cancer: You might find that your desire to conquer is feeling quite active today, and that your mind is right in line with this urge to take action. You’ll notice everyone staring at your crotch as that urge continues to grows. Quickly, imagine your grandfather naked.
Leo: The rest of your team is already in the dugout getting ready to step up to the plate. It is time for you to take an active role and do the same. Spit on the ground, yank up your pants, grab your private parts and swing for the stars. Striking out won’t feel as bad as you thing it will.
Virgo: Smile! You have more than you think you do. No one wants to be with someone who is moping and depressed. In some countries that sort of behaviour will get you thrown into a ditch late at night for your family to find days later. Get it?
Libra: The day ahead will not especially suit you. It will feel as though you’re surrounded by a giddy, frivolous, superficial world. Consider sitting on the couch all day watching Game of Thrones reruns imagining you are “The Mountain.” Take it out the pillow, self pleasure yourself and then sleep until 4am. Realize tomorrow sucks as well.
Scorpio: Attend to your dreams and ambitions and let your voice be heard by the crowd around you. Don’t be surprised if opposition lands in your lap, but don’t take this as a sign that you should back down in your position. Unless the opposition is named Ross and he’s giving you a lap dance in prison because of that Save the Whales protest you organized. Learn to hide. Also, stop dreaming.
Sagittarius: It’s time to face the truth: You’re in a crisis. You’re wondering whether you’re capable of doing anything in this world. Are you totally helpless? The short answer is; yes. Ever since your brother dropped you on your head when you were a baby, if it wasn’t up to your parents you’d be homeless by now. Sell your drum kit.
Capricorn: Today is a day to turn up the heat and let yourself expand into other worlds. There may be an extra amount of dramatic flair that goes along with the events of the day. Stick out your tongue and accept anything given. The red pill will help you see things and you’ll be astonished by how many take the blue one. Begin to buy sunglasses and shiny PVC clothing and then bet someone they can dodge a bullet.
Aquarius: You feel buried under such an unending cascade of pop clichés that sometimes it feels as though you’ll drown. Thank goodness you found that Drowning Fetish website. All good now.
Pisces: Be proud of the places you have been and the things you have learned, and be humble of the places you have yet to go and experience. The lessons of the past will propel you into a rich rewarding future. Memorizing the electronic passwords on your friend’s security systems will really pay off. The Jones have always bothered you anyway. Rent a storage locker.